Performed in Edinburgh University’s Bedlam Theatre as part of their Candlewasters series (2014); performed in Bristol in a New Writing Showcase at the Bierkeller (2015).
[The light illuminates a room on the stage. A living room and a dining-room are visible. The rooms were clearly designed by the mother, CLAIRE; there are flowers on the wallpaper in both rooms, with a variety of lamps scattered about to light them. In the living room there is a large bar in the corner, with many bottles visible to the audience. On the back wall is a family portrait, in which the family is awkwardly posed; everyone is smiling except ROBERT, who looks as if he wishes he could leap out of the photograph and run away into the distance. MARTIN and CLAIRE have their hands upon BILLY and ROBERT’S shoulders.
To the right of the living room is the dining-room, which holds a table. The table should have plenty of space between the chairs for the four-strong family. Hanging on the wall of the dining room, facing the audience, is a photograph from CLAIRE and MARTIN’S wedding day. They are standing in front of the church with their parents, with CLAIRE’S father’s hand on CLAIRE’S shoulder, and MARTIN’S mother’s hand on ROBERT’S shoulder.
The house should feel stuffy and claustrophobic, as if the air itself wants to leave the confinements of the walls. No windows are visible; all the light comes from the lamps inside the house and the stage lighting.
In the living room are Martin and Claire, sitting on the sofa. Claire wears a floral skirt bearing a striking resemblance to the wallpaper in the house. Martin is wearing a white shirt which has yellowed slightly with time and crumpled suit trousers. They are silent. [Unbeknownst to the audience, the couple have not long had an argument with their son, ROBERT.] The atmosphere is tense and the couple cannot bear to look at each other. The lighting is dark, with only the space occupied by MARTIN and CLAIRE illuminated.] [N.B. The silence can last as long or as little as the actors see fitting.]
CLAIRE: How in God’s name did this happen?
I never knew… How did I not know?
MARTIN: Come here. [They embrace] you’ll be alright.
CLAIRE: What are people going to say?
MARTIN: It doesn’t matter.
CLAIRE: It matters to me.
MARTIN: If people are going to point and laugh at you, I’ll be by your side, pointed at and laughed at too.
CLAIRE: I just feel so ashamed. We have a… In our family… I can’t even bring myself to say it. [BEAT] I don’t want anyone to know.
MARTIN: It’s not something I’m going to be bragging about, Claire. I don’t want this either. I especially wish it weren’t true. God, I wish it weren’t true.
CLAIRE: And the way he said it:
BOTH: “Mum, dad; I’m a clown.”
[This line should be said dead-pan and directed at the audience, leaving a moment for it to resonate around the theatre.]
CLAIRE: I thought I was going to be sick.
MARTIN: So did I.
CLAIRE: I thought you were going to kill him.
MARTIN: So did I.
[PAUSE]
CLAIRE: Martin… Do you think we did the right thing?
MARTIN: I am not having a clown living under my roof.
CLAIRE: But what will people think?
MARTIN: It’ll be worse if he stays here with us, you know that. I’ll start packing up his stuff soon, we’ll throw it in the dump.
CLAIRE: Give him a day or two, Martin, to come and collect it first.
MARTIN: I’d better not be here when he comes or… [His hand involuntarily clenches]
[There is the sound of a door opening and closing as BILLY enters the house]
BILLY: [Offstage] I’m home!
CLAIRE: [quietly] Billy! How are we going to tell him? I’d completely forgotten-
MARTIN: – Maybe we shouldn’t tell him –
CLAIRE: – That they’re so close –
MARTIN: – maybe that’d be for the best.
CLAIRE: How’s Billy going to react?
MARTIN: I guess we’ll find out.
CLAIRE: [Calling offstage, to BILLY] how was school? [To MARTIN] how can we hide it from him? He’ll find out sooner or later, through some mother by the school gates, or from one of his gossiping teachers. He’ll be better off not knowing he has a [she winces] – clown for a brother… But how long will it be before he finds out?
BILLY: [Offstage] fine. I’ll be in my room.
CLAIRE: [Quickly] tell him, Martin.
MARTIN: [Apprehensively] Oh – Billy – could you… could you come here for a minute? Your mother and I want – need – to speak to you.
BILLY: [Entering the room] why? I already told you school was fine.
[BILLY is a young boy of about 16, with a quiet and timid way about him, like a caged dog. He has always been used to following his parents’ orders in order to deflect any negative attention that he may or may not have drawn to himself. He suffers from an intense loyalty to his brother, whom he feels is the only one he shares a likeness to in his family.]
MARTIN: [Falsely jovial] I’d hardly call that a play-by-play, Billy.
BILLY: It’s never been an issue before.
CLAIRE: It’s nice to hear about your day.
BILLY: But… Why?
MARTIN: Because we’re your parents, Billy, and we say so.
CLAIRE: So what did you do today?
BILLY: The same as any other day.
CLAIRE: And how does every other day go, exactly?
BILLY: [Sighing] I always come home at quarter to four, you always ask how school was; I always tell you it was fine and then I always go up to my room.
CLAIRE: Billy-
BILLY: Then I always go and do my homework, dad comes and makes sure I’ve finished it; we have dinner – and today is Wednesday so we’ll have lasagne, using the leftovers from yesterday’s Bolognese – I’ll load the dishes into the dishwasher and Rob will put the leftovers in the fridge. Then we’ll both go upstairs; Rob will listen to music or watch something on TV but I always read a book, and then go to bed. You always watch an episode of Poirot or Miss Marple whilst dad does one of his crossword puzzles, which Rob always helps him with, and then you both watch the news and go to bed. [BILLY looks around] Where is Rob?
[MARTIN and CLAIRE cast a glance at each other]
He’s usually home by now.
MARTIN: That’s what we wanted to talk to you about. Take a seat, Billy.
BILLY: Am I in trouble?
CLAIRE: No, no; this is about Robert.
BILLY: Is he okay?
MARTIN: In a sense, yes.
BILLY: What does that mean?
CLAIRE: It means that… [Claire is suddenly at a loss for words] Martin?
MARTIN: Billy… Your brother is moving out, into his own place.
BILLY: He didn’t say anything about that to me.
MARTIN: It’s a – fairly – recent decision.
BILLY: So he won’t be living here… Ever again?
CLAIRE: That’s right.
BILLY: Why?
MARTIN: Robert’s a grown man, he has made his choice and we’re sure he has valid reasons.
BILLY: What does that mean?
CLAIRE: It means that it’ll be just us three.
BILLY: Oh.
CLAIRE: Try not to sound too enthusiastic, Billy!
BILLY: I don’t want Rob to go.
MARTIN: He can’t stay.
BILLY: Why?
MARTIN: It’s complicated-
BILLY: Why can’t he stay?
MARTIN: It’s hard to explain-
BILLY: Why can’t he stay?
MARTIN: You’re too young to understand-
BILLY: Tell me!
MARTIN: Just like he’s too young to understand –
BILLY: I don’t get it!
MARTIN: He can’t live here!
BILLY: But WHY?
MARTIN: BECAUSE HE’S A CLOWN, BILLY, HE’S A SODDING CLOWN!
[There is an audible gasp from Claire before silence falls. Martin and Billy stare at each other, like bulls and matadors in the arena. Both are waiting for the other one to speak, to make the first move. Claire sits, motionless, mentally attempting to predict Billy’s reaction.]
CLAIRE: Martin…
[Martin leaves the room angrily. Claire and Billy sit in silence. Billy looks confused.]
He didn’t mean to yell, Billy, he’s just very emotional right now. It’s been a tough day. [Billy doesn’t respond] He’ll be alright.
[Claire pauses, as if awaiting from Billy confirmation that their family will attempt to function as they had been before. This is the crux of Claire’s character: she is more concerned with outward projections of happiness and contentment than she is with creating happiness within her home. When it is clear that Billy is not going to give her this support, she begins to speak.]
I will, too. So will you. We’ll all be okay, even Robert. Though I imagine it’ll be a bit trickier for him, what with being a [she winces] clown. [She begins to fidget nervously] Everything will be back to normal soon. [Again, she waits for Billy to respond.]
So, how was school? Are you doing any better in French since your last report? I was disappointed that your teacher said you weren’t applying yourself. You need to focus, Billy, set your mind to it and knuckle down and do more work. Maybe we should get you a French tutor. Though, your French mark was the same as your history mark, so maybe we ought to get you a history tutor as well. What do you think? [Billy stares blankly ahead of him.] Billy?
[Martin enters the room, goes to the bar, and opens a bottle of beer. He sits next to Claire, taking her hand.]
CLAIRE: I was just talking to Billy about getting him a tutor to help with his grades. Wasn’t I, Billy?
[Billy continues to stare ahead.]
MARTIN: Your mother’s talking to you.
CLAIRE: Let him be; he’s just as shocked as we were. Give him a minute.
[Claire and Martin fall silent, looking at Billy expectantly.]
MARTIN: When’s he going to talk?
CLAIRE: When he’s ready. Oh, Martin, what in God’s name has happened today?
MARTIN: We got up, and I went to work, and somewhere between that and lunchtime our eldest son told us that he was joining the circus…
CLAIRE: And now Billy’s in a waking coma.
[The phone rings offstage]
CLAIRE: Don’t look at me; I’m not expecting any calls. [MARTIN exits to answer the phone]
BILLY: [Quietly] How did you know?
MARTIN: [OFFSTAGE] Yes, this is the Pitcher household.
CLAIRE: What do you… Billy?
BILLY: He said he wasn’t going to tell you.
CLAIRE: You knew? [Her hand draws slowly up to her mouth] oh God…
MARTIN: [OFFSTAGE] Yes, yes, I’ll get him for you.
MARTN: [Entering the living-room] It’s someone on the phone for you.
BILLY: [Hopefully] is it Robert?
MARTIN: It’s a girl called Louise-
[Quickly, like someone’s set fire to his shoes, Billy grabs the phone from Martin and runs into the dining room.]
BILLY: [Excitedly] Louise! [He realises he sounds too excited, so takes a breath and lowers his tone] I mean, hey, Lou…
[As the following conversation takes place Claire edges towards Billy, as he edges away, before he closes the door. Claire then tries to listen to his conversation through the door. It is clear that Billy is nervously trying to impress Louise, a girl who he has had feelings for since they were eleven, when he saw her give a handful of daisies to a new student in their class.]
BILLY: Yeah, that was my dad. I know, he even sounds uncool… Parents – am I right? They’re always trying to “get to know you” and stuff. [He laughs] No I wasn’t busy, just… playing my guitar! …Tonight? You want to work on the project tonight? [He stammers] it’s just not a great time- oh! It would be fun to hang out. Could we work at your house?
MARTIN: [To Claire, who is outside the dining room door] Get here now!
[Claire bats his words away with her hand.]
Claire!
[She begrudgingly walks into the living room.]
CLAIRE: I’m just interested.
MARTIN: I know.
CLAIRE: He never tells me anything. Neither did Robert…
[Martin goes to the bar and replaces his now-empty bottle of beer with a new one. Claire winces at the sound of the bottle being opened.]
BILLY: It’d probably be better to do it at your house- oh, a birthday party? I mean, sure, if it’s going to be too loud at your house then… Just come over whenever. Cool. Bye. [He smiles to himself.]
CLAIRE: [She shifts in her seat, like a cat whose ears have pricked up at a certain noise, or sense.] I think he’s off the phone. [To Billy] Billy, are you done with the phone?
BILLY: Not yet! [He quickly dials another number] Come on, Rob, answer the phone! Rob! [He sighs] it’s me, Billy, call me back when you’ve got this message.
[The doorbell rings]
CLAIRE: [Shrugging] I’m not expecting anyone.
[Martin gets up to answer the door.]
BILLY: What happened today? Just call me back!
MARTIN: [Offstage] what are you doing here?
ROBERT: I’m here to get my stuff.
MARTIN: It’s already in the dump.
ROBERT: You wasted no time, did you!
[Claire and Billy’s ears prick up at this exchange. Billy walks into the living room, where Claire is waiting nervously with her hands in her lap.]
BILLY: He hasn’t really thrown it away, has he?
CLAIRE: Not yet…
BILLY: Rob your stuff is still here!
[Martin appears angrily in the doorframe, his arms outstretched to block Robert’s entrance.]
MARTIN: You’re not welcome in this house.
ROBERT: [Offstage] This is still my home.
MARTIN: You discarded this family as soon as you put your own selfish desires above those of this family!
CLAIRE: [Dejectedly] Let him in, Martin…
[There is a tense moment as Martin considers Claire’s plea. At last he relents, heads to the bar and opens another bottle of beer. After a pause, Robert enters. He is dressed in a complete clown costume – inc. a red wig, striped overalls, and face paint. Claire stifles her gag reflex. Robert sits down, as Martin looms ominously by the bar.]
Oh, Robert…
ROBERT: I take it you don’t like it, then?
CLAIRE: No, I do not like it.
ROBERT: I think it quite suits me. The wig’s a bit itchy but my buddy says he has a knack to fix that.
CLAIRE: One of your clown friends?
ROBERT: Yes, mum, one of my clown friends. [He kneels beside her] cheer up, grumpy guts. Turn that frown upside down. Here… [He takes a flower from his lapel and gives it to CLAIRE] That’s brightened you up already. [Claire smiles weakly, before the flower squirts water in her face.] Sorry! I pressed the button by accident.
MARTIN: How dare you-
CLAIRE: [Quietly] oh, Robert, why did you have to go and do this? We were all so happy before, so normal; now you’re dressed like the husband of Chucky. [PAUSE] I just don’t understand. You weren’t a ruddy clown yesterday.
ROBERT: Mum, I’ve been wearing this wig in my room since I was 13. I started watching tutorials on clown makeup as soon as I got my own laptop. I bought this costume after saving up two month’s wages from being a paperboy, and have been wearing it underneath my pyjamas ever since. I just didn’t want to wear it in front of you. Why did you think I started to do my own washing? And then all my boxers turned red! [CLAIRE starts to cry] If I’ve already made my first audience member cry the future of my career isn’t looking too bright!
[MARTIN exits the room.]
ROBERT: And another one’s walked out! If this happens during an actual show I’m likely to get the sack. You’ll come though, at least to one show, won’t you?
BILLY: Wouldn’t miss it.
ROBERT: I can even come up to you during my act, I get to walk around and play tricks on all the people watching. I won’t use the flower on you again, though, mum-
[Claire gets up and lingers by the doorway.]
CLAIRE: I will not be seeing any of your ridiculous ‘shows’ Robert. Not a single one. [Exit.]
BILLY: You could have waited to tell them, Rob. At least until you’d given me a bit of warning.
ROBERT: you think I wanted to? I thought they’d seen my Clown Chronicles Monthly magazine stash – mum’s always looking there for cigarettes. Honestly, she catches me smoking one time and suddenly I’m a chain smoker at 17. I had to confess before they tried weeding it out of me.
BILLY: You’re actually going, then?
ROBERT: Yep; me and Nelly the Elephant, we’re two peas in a pod. She’s waiting in the car for me outside.
BILLY: Will you go far?
ROBERT: It’s a travelling circus, Billy! Who knows how far we’ll go. Europe, Asia, Antarctica to play for the penguins, Japan to play for an Emperor! Maybe even Narnia to play for that old fella, Aslan.
BILLY: I don’t think he buys into the circus act, seeing as he lives in a land of complete fantasy.
ROBERT: Fantasy he may have, but does he have farce? No fantasy is complete without farce.
BILLY: I want to go with you-
[Martin enters with two holdalls and puts them on the floor]
MARTIN: That’s all your stuff. [ROBERT starts to look through the bags, which makes MARTIN agitated] Shouldn’t you be going?
ROBERT: I’m just making sure I have everything. [He stops rummaging] Where is-
MARTIN: Well?
ROBERT: My unicycle isn’t here. It should be in a sleeping bag- [Martin turns to leave] – inside a pillow case – [Martin pauses] – underneath my bed. [Martin shakes his head.]
MARTIN: I’d always thought that was your stash of porn.
ROBERT: Oh, no, much more exciting than that.
MARTIN: I wouldn’t be so sure. [MARTIN leaves the room]
ROBERT: [To Billy] I tried to get here before you got home from school so I could be the one to break it to you. I can’t imagine they broke it to you gently, not exactly know for tact or delicacy, our parents. Things don’t have to be strained, or strange, between us. I guess the new look will take a while to adjust to. I know mum and dad will encourage you to cut me out of your life, like them, but I’m hoping that you won’t.
[ROBERT pulls a small horn from his pocket and blows it at BILLY. CLAIRE screams in shock offstage, before appearing at the door.]
CLAIRE: What are you doing?
ROBERT: Practicing.
CLAIRE: Not on my son, you’re not!
[Martin enters with a unicycle, holding it as if it was contagious. He dumps it on Robert’s bag.]
ROBERT: I’m your son too.
MARTIN: [Entering] No you’re not. We told you, Robert. If you choose this, you’re choosing this over your life, your home, your family.
ROBERT: It hardly seems fair.
MARTIN: Fair? You want to talk about fair? [As he speaks Martin goes to the bar and opens another bottle of beer.] My first-born son, who I raised to be strong, and intelligent, and motivated, has grown up to become a circus-freak. What will happen next? You’ll come to us when you’ve married the bearded lady with five lion-tamers for children? You have disgraced this family. I used to talk about you with pride. Now I see I wasted my time and effort; you were never going to be the son I hoped you would. You are a disappointment, Robert, and I have never felt more ashamed in my life. I mourn the day I taught you how to ride a bike.
[ROBERT honks his horn as a response]
I think it’s time for you to go.
[ROBERT picks up his bags and walks to the door]
ROBERT: I just want to make people happy. Is that such a bad thing?
CLAIRE: No – but why can’t you just be a live statue along the Thames, or a redcoat at Butlins?
[Offstage there is a knock at the door]
MARTIN: That had better not be one of your lot.
BILLY: Oh, god…
[The knock resounds again]
I think it’s –
LOUISE: [Offstage] Billy?
BILLY: Oh, god…
CLAIRE: [Hopefully] The girl – the girl from the phone?
[LOUISE knocks again]
LOUISE: Billy? It’s Louise!
CLAIRE: Not Louise Morris…?
MARTIN: Tell her to go home, Billy. She can’t come in right now, when he’s here. [He points at Robert]
ROBERT: It’s fine- I’ll leave!
CLAIRE: I’m not having you climbing out a window and run the risk of the neighbours thinking we’re harbouring a court jester in our house. But Louise Morris absolutely can’t see you, her mother and I are in the Women’s Institute together! If she knows it won’t be long before the entire town knows about you.
[Louise knocks again, rapidly. Billy looks helpless, unsure whether to answer the door or stay quiet. in a moment of decision, Claire drags Robert offstage, as Billy goes to the door. Martin, exasperated, opens another bottle of beer.]
LOUISE: Have you seen the car that’s parked outside? It’s a mini – it’s got so many clowns inside it!
MARTIN: [Defensively] It’s nothing to do with us!
[Offstage there are sounds of Claire and Robert struggling.]
CLAIRE: Robert!
ROBERT: Stop it!
BILLY: So – where did you want to start working?
CLAIRE: [Offstage] Billy, that’s no way to treat a lady. You haven’t even offered her a drink yet!
[Claire appears onstage, Robert follows. Claire has put a pair of Martin’s trousers, and one of Martin’s shirts, on top of Robert’s clown costume. The wig has been quickly stuffed into the pocket of the trousers, and parts of the clown costume are still visible.]
ROBERT: Hi.
LOUISE: I’m not interrupting anything, am I?
CLAIRE: Of course not! Now, we have tea, coffee – what would you like?
ROBERT: We would offer beer but it looks like our stock has depleted.
[Claire jabs Robert in the ribs with her elbow]
CLAIRE: They’re 16, Robert, that isn’t funny. [She rambles nervously] We never let Billy have any alcohol! He’s banned, completely banned. He’s not even allowed caffeine after midday, isn’t that right, Martin? [She clears her throat, and he voice appears higher] So how is your mother, Louise dear?
LOUISE: She’s well, thank you. Full of praise for the Chelsea-bun doily you created last week!
[Claire instantly relaxes]
MARTIN: She’s been practicing that for weeks. We’ve got a whole box of them upstairs. [By this time, it is clear that the alcohol is taking effect on Martin]
CLAIRE: [Shooting daggers at Martin] Perhaps one or two, yes.
ROBERT: How about you two head on up to Billy’s room?
CLAIRE: Nonsense! We don’t want to hide them away! I want them in ear-shot – [Quickly realising her slip of the tongue] I mean I want them in here, where the light’s good.
ROBERT: [To Billy and Louise] what are you two working on? Human biology? Chemistry?
BILLY: Ignore him.
LOUISE: What are you wearing under your…?
CLAIRE: Pyjamas.
LOUISE: [To Billy] Weird.
BILLY: Right?
[They all sit in silence, awkwardly. Martin continues to drink his beer. Robert’s phone begins to ring, a circus tune.]
ROBERT: [Answering] Hello? …Yes, I’m almost done. I’ve got all my stuff.
[Offstage a car horn sounds]
[Into the phone] Don’t do that! I won’t be long.
CLAIRE: Who was that?
ROBERT: some friends.
CLAIRE: Some clow- [She catches herself, looking at Louise] Right.
LOUISE: The ones that are outside?
MARTIN: [Drunkenly repeating himself] That’s nothing to do with us!
ROBERT: I’d better be going.
BILLY: I don’t want you to go.
ROBERT: [Wistfully looking at Martin] I know, buddy.
LOUISE: Are you going on holiday?
CLAIRE: Yes. [Her answer is clipped. She almost elaborates, but decides against it.]
MARTIN: I’ll see you out.
LOUISE: It was nice to meet you.
BILLY: I wish I could come with you.
CLAIRE: Don’t you dare, Billy.
MARTIN: Get out, before you __ him further!
ROBERT: Bye, Bill-o. [He and Billy embrace. as martin looks on furiously.]
CLAIRE: You can come back, if you ever change your mind.
ROBERT: Thanks, mum.
[Claire quickly kisses Robert on the cheek before leaving the room. Robert holds out his hand to Martin, who refuses to take it. Robert exits, and Martin stands in the doorway to make sure he goes.]
LOUISE: That’s how your family acts when he goes on holiday? [Beat] You must love each other a lot!
ROBERT: [Shouting to Robert] and don’t forget to send me those clothes back, I need them for work!
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